Today

Today, I feel the need to write and purge all the feelings in my soul…but while the tears fall, the words won’t flow. Normally, writing is a healing process for me. But, sometimes, the idea of bearing my soul to strangers, or even friends and family, is scary and difficult. Today is that day.

Today, I need to feel like what I do is worth it. But, the judgment I hear in my own mind doesn’t let me feel that way. I would never say the hateful things I hear in my mind to another living soul, especially a women struggling with the high expectations she has for herself. So, why do I feel to need to say them to myself?

Why do I feel like today I need to hurt my soul more than what the burdens of life do? Why don’t I take comfort knowing other people struggle in the same way? Why do I fight the need to put myself out there and bear my soul to others who might gain strength from pain? Why? Because I fear…

I fear that others will judge me with the disappointment I feel. I fear that others will see me as a person who doesn’t have it all together, even though I don’t and that is normal. I fear I won’t be good enough to help other people find and live a life of purpose and vision that sets their soul on fire.

I fear. That is it. And, that is why I sit here writing this blog post. Because I fear and I feel  alone. Because I want to hide and cover myself with a personna of how I think others want or need to see me. And, because I know that if I give into those fears, I will never be able to fulfill my purpose or accomplish my vision.

So, instead, I fight against these feelings and push back against my own self judgment. Instead, I bear my soul to the world, or just the few who read this, despite the judgment that might come because I want to you to know you aren’t alone. Other people struggle too. Women who look like they have it all together. People who hide it well. They struggle just like you, and just like me.

I give you what I want to be given to me. Camaraderie and hope. I do what I wish others had done. I let people know I am struggling and choose to step back and take a deep breath instead of doing something I will regret. I let you see that negative feelings are powerless if we choose to fight back and refuse to accept our own self judgment as truth.

I give you my heart and soul on a computer screen. Do with it as you will, but know that my higher purpose is what gives me strength to fight another day. My vision is what pushes me to block out my own self judgment and give of myself in all my imperfections.

I am me. I am brilliant. I am amazing. No matter how I feel.

And, so are YOU!

Heidi

2 thoughts on “Today”

  1. Beautiful post Heidi! The struggles we feel are only temporary if we have the will to observe, evaluate and repair! I love that you turned this negative into a positive and I personally love reading stories/posts like this. If it’s any comfort, I will be reading your journey! Thanks for sharing 🙂

    1. Thank you for the encouragement, Isabelle! I am honored to have you come along for the ride. I just finished reading your post from yesterday, and I resonate with the desire to be present and reduce the anxiety in life. The joy is in the journey. If we aren’t aware and present, we cannot grow and overcome.

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