Today was a rough day… Not because everything went wrong today, but because a lot of things have been going wrong for awhile. Some days things go right, but more often than not, things go wrong. I know I cannot be the only one who experiences life like this, but I need you to tell me I am not alone…
A few weeks ago I did a MAXPULSE session at ClackCo Concierge Pharmacy. It was interesting. My physical health wasn’t amazing, but I knew it was improving and would continue to improve if I continue to see Jenna at ClackCo; so, I wasn’t really that worried about it. However, the test showed my mental stress was fairly high, and my ability to cope with it wasn’t as high as the stress itself.
An analogy was presented to me that day. It had to do with our flight or fight response. When you see a bear, you run or you fight. I think that is a true statement, in theory, but apparently not in my practice. It turns out, not only do I NOT run from the bear, I invite the bear home and let him sleep in my bed. And, no, I am not talking about my husband.
Now, I will be honest… my entire life I have felt like I live with the bear in my bed, still not talking about my husband. I can’t remember a period of time in my life when I didn’t have significant, life altering things happening in it. There were days when things went well, maybe even an occasional week. But, I can honestly say, I have lived my entire life under a significant amount of stress.
Some stress I caused myself. Some stress was caused by others. But, all the stress has added up to who I am today. I am not sure whether it has all been bad, or good, or otherwise. But, I am sure there are times when I am okay and times when I am totally NOT okay. Today was one of those times where okay wasn’t used to describe me.
Today, I felt like the whole world was crumbling around me and I was being crushed by the weight of it. I seem to be having more and more days like that. The breakdowns are coming more frequently. The recovery is taking longer. The stress is getting harder to bear.
Should I blame it on the cold turkey withdrawal from SSRIs, aka an antidepressant called Prozac? — more about that situation later– Should I blame it on increased financial stress? Should I blame it on death, or disease, or unrest, or ….you name it? There are so many things I can blame it on. And, I think they all contributed to it.
The SSRI withdrawal is a significant issue, which I will blog about later, but at least my friend Jenna at ClackCo has helped me supplement those deficiencies to lessen the symptoms. I think I shouldn’t blame my situation on any one person or thing. There are so many factors at play, it would take a lifetime to place the blame and I would have no hope of recovering from it…
Instead, I will keep focused on what matters for the future, no matter how hard it feels right now. I will take one small step at a time to fix what is broken, to make my family whole, to lessen the burden… I will forge ahead despite how hard it feels, despite how desolate I feel, and despite the circumstances around me.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But, I do know I have control over at least some of it. I can apologize to the people who faced my frustration today. I can choose to respond differently to them tomorrow. I can choose what my next step forward should be and make changes where I see they are needed. I have power, even if I feel powerless.
I may still take the bears home and share my pillow. Afterall, it is the only way I know how to live. If I make the bear happy and share all I have with it, then maybe it won’t tear me to pieces. It’s just a thought, but one I don’t know how to give up on or to change. If you want to help me fight the bear or feel the next time I see it, let me know. I not sure I can bear to live without it though. After all, it is all I’ve ever known…