Letting go…

Sometimes you have to realize when it’s time to let go of your dreams to take care of real life. We hear stories every day of a single mother who sacrifices a dream career in the struggle to make ends meet and be available for her children. We hear it in stories of families giving an ill loved one an organ or marrow donation in the hope of continued life, even at a lower level of quality. I can think of so many times my attempts at making a dream my reality ending in more hurt than happiness. Sometimes you have to learn to let go…

I think I am there again. Living life for a dream I can’t quite seem to obtain takes a toll on my soul. Struggling with depression has never been easy, but overcoming it seems to get harder every time. I know I am not alone. My eldest son spent time talking and weeping as he shared his own struggles. Why is life so difficult? God, I wish I knew. That is just as much the cry of my heart as it is a profanity against the Creator of All. I wish I had the answer to give my son when he asks me, “Mom, why was I born broken.” How do I tell him that hopes and dreams are as crushing when they fail as they are as joyous when they come true. I don’t need to tell him. He knows.

His heart has been broken a million times by failed hopes and dreams. At 21, he has already experienced the pain of a thousand lives. Rejection. Fear. Hate. Misunderstanding. False accusations. Abuse. Judgment. And so much more that is real in the world around us. He already questions if love and friendship can really exist in his life. He has already experienced the pain of a thousand lives.

What hope can I offer when I can’t even make my own dreams a reality? How can I possible give him hope that his can come true? They are so simple. He only wants to love and be loved, but life is harsh and has made him harsher. The Autism took a toll on his soul, just as much as the life he lived. The Autism is a barrier to what his soul desires most, acceptance. We have all fallen short of the glory of God, yet, we can’t learn to love others despite the horrors in their souls. Bad people are broken people too. It is the LOVE of God that turns us to repentance. It is the LOVE of God that saved our souls. It is the LOVE of God that accepts those who turn to him. Love. It should be enough. Why isn’t it?

Sometimes you have to realize when it’s time to let go of your dreams. It’s time for me to let go of some of mine, maybe all of them, to provide what my family really needs. Comfort. Security. Love. And Me. It is time for me to show my son that even when life beats you down and you hurt, you can still have joy. You can leave your dreams behind and find joy in something else. It may not help. But, I am going to try.

Today is a new day. It may not be a good one. But, I don’t have to sit here and be fruitless. I can accept what life has brought me, and take a step to find a different way to be happy. I have the power to do it. And, I will…

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