Well, I have thought about starting a blog before, but never took the steps or set aside the time to make it happen. Ironically, my world falling apart was just the motivation I needed to push me to action. I started this blog when I felt despair and knew something needed to happen to move me out of it. So, I shared my poetry. My poetry that exposes my deepest darkest pain,..and hoped that it would speak to someone else.
Sharing my poetry did something else for me though… something surprising. It forced me to see that I needed to express more than just sorrow and desperation, but joy and passion. I have not written any poetry there yet, except the one I shared that I wrote for my husband on Valentine’s Day, but I plan to start sharing more. You see, I do have a talent for writing. I have a gift for speaking. But, too often, my fear of what other people think stops me from sharing my thoughts.
Saturday, I shared, with a select few people, that my marriage was in trouble — trouble I never really thought would come. My husband and I were discussing divorce, and actually planning for it. The more we texted “plans” about what needed to happen, the more desperate I felt, the less I could function or fathom living my life without him there. Don’t get me wrong, there were no physical mistakes with others, or betrayals that could not be overcome. We were both tired of the pain and loneliness that comes when you allow life to come between two broken people.
We are all broken people, not just John and I, but all of us. When John and I married, we vowed to follow each other and love each other, until death do us part. But, sometimes that death comes through living, not physical death that we think about at that moment. The problem is death can be overcome. Jesus proved it. If you don’t believe in Jesus, think about something you do believe about death. Most of us believe medicine can save us from it, at least to a degree.
Late Saturday night we finally talked in person and without fear, or maybe despite it, we both shared how we really felt about the idea of divorce. We didn’t want it. On the precipice of 16 years of marriage being dashed on the rocks of life, we decided to step back and create a fresh start. That fresh start doesn’t mean life hasn’t happened to both of us. I mean, we have six kids that are not so easily forgotten…trust me they really don’t let us forget they are there. But, a fresh start at making our life together work. A fresh start at forgiving each other for the pain we felt because the other didn’t meet our expectations. Because, let’s face it and be honest, most divorceable actions are caused by the other person not living up to our expectations of love and marriage.
Now, let me clarify before anyone starts freaking out… I am not speaking of abusive relationships where there is physical violence, or even an emotional abuse that makes one person feel worthless. I am speaking of those times when the other person was so wrapped up with life, he or she forgot to tell you how amazing you are and you got angry and felt abandoned. Or the time that person chose work over taking the day off for your anniversary. Or maybe he or she just didn’t send you flowers when you thought it was appropriate. Sometimes those actions are symptoms of greater problems that need resolved, but sometimes, they are also just the other person being human.
While my husband and I’s problems are much deeper than the surface expectations, they do stem from our expectation, deep and enduring unrealistics ones, that come from our past brokenness. Mine from a childhood I don’t remember and a lot of bad choices I made in the past. His from a lifetime of physical and emotional pain he didn’t, and still doesn’t know how to deal with. Regardless of where these problem stem, we have the choice and the power to change, ourselves not each other.
If we are both willing to look at our own mindsets, our own character flaws, and take steps to create a fresh start, then that is what we should do. It is what we want to do. Because love is not about a feeling alone; it is about an intent to fight through the bad and come out on the other side with something good. I think, for me, this blog is part of my fresh start. Those of you who told me many times in the past to write about my experiences so I can help others, this is my response. My real, unedited – other than spelling errors – response to that request.
Here I am in all my glory…or lack thereof… sharing my soul with you in the hopes it will help you or someone you know. As I say in my videos, watch me or join me, you choose. But, I guarantee you will gain more by joining…
Be brilliant and be amazing today… don’t let anyone steal your future from you. You are brilliant and amazing, as am I, no matter how we feel. Today is a fresh start. Make it a good one.